💬 Talking to Children

Age-appropriate ways to explain brain cancer to kids. Honest communication helps children cope better than silence and uncertainty.

❤️ Why Honesty Matters

Parents often want to protect children by not telling them about a serious illness. But research consistently shows:

  • Children sense when something is wrong — even very young children pick up on stress, tears, and whispered conversations
  • Silence can be scarier than truth — children fill in gaps with their imagination, often assuming the worst
  • Children may blame themselves — "Mommy is sick because I was bad"
  • Trust matters — being honest builds trust; finding out later they were lied to can be deeply harmful
  • They need permission to feel — knowing what's happening allows them to process their emotions
💡 The goal isn't to burden children — it's to give them accurate information at a level they can understand, so they feel included, loved, and secure even during a difficult time.

👶 By Age Group

Ages 2-5 (Toddlers/Preschool)

What they understand: Very concrete. "Sick" means feeling bad. Can't grasp time or permanence.

What they need:

  • Simple, concrete language
  • Reassurance about who will care for them
  • Maintained routines as much as possible
  • Physical comfort — extra hugs

What to say:

"Daddy has a sickness in his brain called cancer. The doctors are giving him medicine to help. You might see Daddy tired a lot. That's the medicine working. You didn't do anything to cause this, and lots of people love you and will take care of you."

Ages 6-8 (Early Elementary)

What they understand: Can understand more detail. May have heard of cancer. Developing sense of time but still concrete.

What they need:

  • More details about what's happening
  • Permission to ask questions
  • Reassurance they can't "catch" it
  • Clear information about changes to expect

What to say:

"Mommy has something called brain cancer. It's a sickness where bad cells are growing in her brain where they shouldn't be. The doctors found it and now they're going to try to get rid of it with surgery and medicine. This kind of sickness isn't like a cold — you can't catch it. It's not your fault and nothing you did caused it."

Ages 9-12 (Preteens)

What they understand: Can understand illness more abstractly. May Google on their own. Starting to think about death.

What they need:

  • More complete information
  • Honesty about uncertainty
  • Involvement in age-appropriate ways
  • Private time to process

What to say:

"Dad has been diagnosed with a type of brain cancer called glioblastoma. It's a serious illness, and we're going to do everything we can to fight it. He'll have surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. Some days will be harder than others. I'll always tell you the truth about what's happening. It's okay to feel scared or sad or angry — I feel all those things too."

Ages 13+ (Teenagers)

What they understand: Can understand adult concepts. Likely to research independently. May withdraw or act out.

What they need:

  • Honest, direct communication
  • Respect for their maturity
  • Space but also availability
  • Permission to still be a teenager

What to say:

"I need to tell you something serious. Mom has glioblastoma — a type of brain cancer that's aggressive. We're starting treatment right away. I want to be honest with you because you're old enough to handle the truth and I need you to trust me. This is going to be hard on all of us. I don't have all the answers, but I promise to keep you informed. It's also okay if you need space to process this in your own way."

✅ Do's and Don'ts

✓ DO

  • Use the real words: "cancer," "tumor," "brain"
  • Keep explanations simple and age-appropriate
  • Let them ask questions (and say "I don't know" when you don't)
  • Reassure them they are loved and will be cared for
  • Tell them it's not their fault
  • Give them permission to feel sad, scared, or angry
  • Maintain routines as much as possible
  • Keep school informed so teachers can watch for changes
  • Let them see you cry sometimes — it shows feelings are okay
  • Check in regularly, even when things seem stable

✗ DON'T

  • Use euphemisms like "going away" or "sleeping" (confuses and scares)
  • Promise everything will be okay (if you're not sure)
  • Give more information than they can handle at once
  • Have the conversation when rushed or distracted
  • Hide all your emotions (makes them think feelings aren't allowed)
  • Expect them to react a certain way
  • Force conversations — let them come back with questions
  • Burden them with adult responsibilities
  • Isolate them from what's happening
  • Compare their reactions to siblings ("why can't you be strong like...")

❓ Questions Kids Ask

"Are you going to die?"

Possible responses:

If prognosis is uncertain: "The doctors are working really hard to help me get better. This is a serious sickness, and I don't know exactly what will happen. What I do know is that I love you, and whatever happens, you will always be taken care of."

If end of life is near: "Yes, sweetheart. My body is getting too tired to keep fighting the cancer. I don't know exactly when, but I won't live as long as we hoped. I'm so sad about that. But I want you to know how much I love you, and that love will never, ever go away."

"Did I cause this?"

Response:

"Absolutely not. Nothing you did, said, or thought caused this. Cancer happens because of changes in cells in the body that nobody can control. This is not your fault in any way."

"Can I catch it?"

Response:

"No, you cannot catch cancer like you catch a cold. It's not contagious. You can hug me and be close to me and you will be safe."

"Why is Mommy/Daddy different now?"

Response:

"The cancer and the medicine can make [Parent] feel very tired. Sometimes [he/she] might have trouble remembering things or get confused. That's not because [he/she] doesn't love you — it's because of the sickness. [He/she] is still the same person who loves you very much."

"Who will take care of me?"

Response:

"You will always have people who love you and take care of you. [Name specific people: Grandma, Dad, Aunt Sarah]. That's something you never have to worry about."

🚩 Signs a Child Is Struggling

Children express distress differently than adults. Watch for:

Younger Children

  • Regression (bedwetting, thumb-sucking, baby talk)
  • Clinginess or separation anxiety
  • Sleep problems, nightmares
  • Changes in eating
  • Physical complaints (tummy aches, headaches)
  • Acting out or tantrums

Older Children and Teens

  • Withdrawal from friends or activities
  • Declining grades
  • Anger, irritability
  • Sleep changes
  • Risk-taking behavior
  • Excessive worry about the ill parent
  • Taking on too much responsibility
⚠️ When to seek help: If changes persist more than a few weeks, interfere with daily life, or include talk of self-harm. A therapist who specializes in children and grief can be tremendously helpful.

📚 Books That Help

For Young Children (Ages 3-7)

The Invisible String

by Patrice Karst
Ages 3-8

About love connecting us even when apart. Comforting for separation anxiety.

My Parent Has Cancer and It Really Sucks

by Maya Silver & Marc Silver
Ages 4-8

Honest, reassuring book for young children facing a parent's cancer.

What Is Cancer Anyway?

by Karen Carney
Ages 5-10

Explains cancer in simple terms children can understand.

For School-Age Children (Ages 7-12)

Kemo Shark

by H. Elizabeth Collins
Ages 6-12

A shark explains chemotherapy in child-friendly terms.

Our Family Has Cancer, Too!

by Christine Clifford
Ages 7-12

Addresses the whole family's journey through cancer treatment.

Can I Still Kiss You?

by Neil Russell
Ages 6-12

A father answers his daughter's questions about his cancer.

For Teens

My Parent Has Cancer and It Really Sucks

by Maya & Marc Silver
Ages 13+

Written by a teen whose parent had cancer. Real, honest, helpful.

When a Parent Has Cancer

by Wendy Schlessel Harpham, MD
Ages 12+

Guide for families with concrete strategies.

About Death and Grief

The Memory Box

by Joanna Rowland
Ages 4-8

A child creates a memory box for a dying loved one.

Lifetimes

by Bryan Mellonie
Ages 4-10

Gentle explanation of life cycles and death.

Tear Soup

by Pat Schwiebert
All ages

A metaphor about grieving that works for all ages.

🤝 Professional Support

Child Life Specialists

Many hospitals have child life specialists who are trained to help children understand illness. Ask your cancer center if this service is available.

School Counselors

Inform the school about what's happening. Counselors can watch for changes and provide support. Teachers can also make accommodations if needed.

Family Therapists

A therapist who specializes in children and families facing serious illness can be invaluable. Individual therapy for the child or family sessions can help.

Support Groups for Kids

✓ Camp Kesem is special: Free, week-long summer camps specifically for kids whose parents have or had cancer. Run at universities across the US. A chance to connect with other kids who understand.

💜 Creating Memories and Connection

When time together is uncertain, intentional memory-making becomes precious:

  • Memory boxes: Fill with photos, notes, small meaningful objects
  • Video messages: Record messages for future milestones (graduation, wedding)
  • Letters: Write letters to be opened at different ages or occasions
  • Recipe collection: Cook together and document family recipes
  • Story recordings: Record yourself reading their favorite books
  • Photo projects: Create albums together, share stories behind photos
  • Traditions: Establish or document family traditions
  • Legacy journals: Answer prompts about your life, values, and hopes for them
💡 Living memories matter most: Day-to-day moments together — reading, cooking, laughing, just being present — create the memories children will carry forever. Don't get so focused on big projects that you miss the small moments.

⚠️ A Note to Parents

There is no perfect way to do this. You will not get every conversation exactly right, and that's okay. What matters most is that your children know they are loved, that they can come to you with questions and feelings, and that they will always be cared for. That message, delivered imperfectly but consistently, is enough.